Discovering My Heart

Discovering My Heart

“Your heart is like the ocean, mysterious and dark.”
~ Bob Dylan

This quote is on one of the cards in our Macy calendar this month.  Each envelope is a bit of a surprise, even though I used the same quotes as last year.  I made this countdown calendar after being inspired by Ariel at Art Camp LA.  

I’ve been taking the quotes to heart this year, trying to find meaning in each one, just as I meant for my little family to do when we were making them together last year.   

I’m currently writing a novel about a group of med students and a mystery they encounter in Anatomy Lab and beyond.  While I haven’t reached the scene yet when they dissect their cadaver’s heart, I already know some of the words I’m going to use. When I was in Gross Anatomy, it was the dead of winter in Boston.  I wrote about some of my experience last January.  What I didn’t include was a short piece I had written that intertwined many feelings I had in discovering and re-discovering myself that year.  

You see, that was a very independent year for me.  It was also the year before I married Mr. Bookworm.  I was adjusting to a lot of different things.  And I felt like my OWN heart was a mystery to me.

This feels like a perfect analogy to finding myself in the aftermath of my daughter’s death.  Even though I was surrounded by so much love, I felt lost.  It’s the most lost I’ve ever felt in my life.  And, looking back, I’m so grateful (as I’ve repeatedly said), for those people in my life who held me afloat.  

I write about Macy a lot and I write about my grief a lot because having Macy was a life-changing experience for me.  And not just a life-changing experience, it was a Melanie-changing experience.  I’m not the same person I used to be, and I’ll never be that person again.  

What I enjoy most about this blogging journey is that I’m exploring various feelings and emotions and relationships—nothing pleases a writer more.  I am also learning to remind myself to be MORE appreciative of the world around me, most of all my loved ones.

It doesn’t always come easily, this appreciation.  The love comes naturally.  The patience and appreciation is more subtle, even as I rushed to make lunches for the girls this morning in my sleep-deprived state.  (Little Lion crawled into our bed for two nights in a row.  I had her hooves and knees in my back all night long.)

Yesterday, Macy’s calendar had this quote from George Bernard Shaw, which I thought was a perfect companion to Dylan’s quote above:
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” (Emphasis is mine.)

So here I am, and I’d say that I’m writing and blogging my way to finding AND creating myself again.  Thank you for letting me share my journey.

{Shortbread cookies above are 'fish biscuits' inspired by the Octonauts and hearts and baked by the Bookworm girls and me on New Year's Day.}

Tell Dr. Bookworm!

I  know I'm behind on my Featured Fridays posts.  But I remind myself that January is my 'anything goes' month.  This month, since it's Macy's birthday and traditionally is a tough month for me, I'm trying my best not to be hard on myself.  If I get ANYTHING done this month, it's an accomplishment.  We need to take care of ourselves too, right?  And that includes not guilting myself about not reaching my own self-made goals. 

What do you do to discover your own heart?  What's your best way to finding/creating yourself?

Featured Fridays: The Ruthie Lou Foundation

Featured Fridays: The Ruthie Lou Foundation

Icky January

Icky January